Harper to Reveal Afghan Detainee Secret: Nobody Cares

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Censored and uncensored versions of one of the many memos that will soon be made public.

In a move prompted by House Speaker Peter Milliken’s decision that the Conservative government must release uncensored documents regarding the mistreatment of Afghan detainees, Canadians are collectively bracing themselves for the shameful, unspoken and yet widely known secret about the issue: Nobody really gives a shit.

“Afghanistan? Sure, right,” said Nancy Jackman, a retail supervisor from Oakville, Ontario. “I remember hearing about how little girls couldn’t go to school there, but then we came along, and now they can? That’s great,” said Jackman, stirring a bowl of chocolate syrup, slightly disinterested. When asked specifically about the treatment of detainees, and whether she felt Canadian Forces knew they would be tortured, Jackman was non-commital. “What? I don’t know. Yes? I guess they probably would be. It’s kind of fucked up over there.”

Policy advisors, journalists, and military legal experts were in complete agreement that the blanked-out sections of military memos that revealed a total disinterest in the fate of the war-torn nation and its stubborn, kind of dirty-looking people should be preserved. “Honestly, the whole thing has been embarrassing enough,” said Ray Alexson, sole member of a Central Asian/Canadian think tank in Winnipeg. “At least with things the way they are, we as Canadians can pay the occasional bit of lip service to the conflict - you know, put the Highway of Heroes song on, or not flip off the end of Coaches Corner, but putting all this business out in public won’t change the fact that this has less real traction as an election issue than deer hunting in Labrador.”

Added Alexson, “Think about that: It means we literally don’t care about people being subjected to horrendous, nightmarish pain. That is how either numb and indifferent to the war on terror we’ve become, or so sick of the whole goddamn thing that we borderline don’t mind that they are suffering.”

Some analysts, however, were pleased overall that this issue had become a hot parliamentary, if not humanitarian, issue. “This is a bold moment for Canadian democracy,” said Betty Dyson, a senior analyst with Parliament Hill Watch. “Surely, the constitutional and partisan significance of these proceedings will finally bring this issue into the national spotlight in a way that a bunch of dead, tortured pseudo-persons to whom we don’t really relate ever could.”

With this and other pathetic national issues, including the Guergis / Jaffer affair, Quebec, and pointless attempts to regulate the financial services industry, Canadians are anxiously fearful of an election in which they have absolutely no issues upon which they even remotely want to vote, now known as “The usual.”

“We’re just waiting for the Liberals to come out with some incomprehensible plan for the environment,” said Dyson, “Then we’ll be all set.”

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