Grizzly news out of Kamloops, B.C., this morning.
To cap off a gruesome news week that included the murder, dismemberment and subsequent mailing of body parts out of Montreal, and a face-eating, bath-salt induced cannibal attack in Miami, Fla., the Calgary Herald hits us with this gory story:
A man whose dead body was dragged from a car and partly eaten by a bear on a remote road near Kamloops was a convicted murderer who had been reported missing last week.
Although the initial cause of death is unknown at this time, it seems a hungry bear came across the dead body of 53 year old Rory Wagner inside his 1986 Volkswagon Jetta. With the driver’s side window partially open, our erstwhile Yogi had stumbled across his lunch. Hunters came across the remains, which had been dragged over 100 meters from the car and partially covered in brush and dirt for later consumption, early this morning.
While the bear is presumed innocent of killing Wagner, conservation officers are currently on the hunt for the doomed beast in the interests of public safety.
This horrible incident occurred not a week after a man was pulled from an outhouse near a cabin in northwestern Ontario by a bear. Gord Shurvell, a 65-year-old Winnipeg man, was lucky enough to survive the attack and live to tell the tale:
“So I’m kicking at him to get away, but he grabbed my pants and that gotch that were down around my ankles. And that was the start of it, and he just kept coming.”
If there’s one thing we can learn from this, it’s that bears are ruthless beasts with a perverse taste for old men.
Update: It seems this wasn’t the only vicious bear attack in Canada this week. A man was attacked outside of Haines Junction, YK on Thursday. Conservation officer Kris Gustafson told the CBC that “the bear showed no fear of the man or his four dogs. He said the bear persisted even after the man hit it with four-by-four claim posts.” Clearly, these beasts are after us and will stop at nothing to get a piece of our tasty man meat. If you’re walking in bear country, leave the bell at home and make sure you’re packing serious heat. Thanks to the Conservative government, you can do so with utter privacy.