With #Kony2013 fast approaching, this is the season when we reflect on the year that was. The Albatross’s chief wildlife correspondent Sheldon Birnie here compiles a year-end list that he is uniquely qualified to write.

When I sat down with my pint of Tiger Piss to get this done, I figured I’d recount a list of my Top Ten Hits on Environment, by your favourite group (and mine) the Conservative Harper Government of Canada. But we’ve basically already done that. Besides, revisiting such scorched-earth territory might kill my mood, which right now is riding high, in anticipation of a king hell holiday party with supplies of Hot Eats, Cool Treats, and Belly Laughs a-plenty. So fuck that.

My second thought was to spend these bites here on further expounding on the growing and very real threat to humanity that, despite our best efforts, the Ursine Kind continue to pose. But nobody is interested in the Bear Problem anymore, now are they? So fuck that, too. The Bear Problem will still be waiting for us when, inevitably, our cousins to the South topple us off the fiscal cliff, or through the debt ceiling, or wherever it is we’re doomed to come crashing off (or through) at some point in the near future. Oh yes. The Bears will be waiting, and they will be ready for us.

Instead, I’m hoping to impart some Life Lessons I’ve Learned the Hard Way this year. And of course, by the Hard Way, I mean drunk and/or on drugs, which I guess is really The Only Way, or at least, the Only Fun Way? (These are the Tough Questions I was hoping to avoid here…)

So anyway, here goes nothing. Crack a beer or uncap that bottle of rye, tap that illicit powder onto your favourite jewel case, or fill that pipe with lettuce, and let us get to it. For real.

#5 - Always ask for more.

Don’t let the British convince you otherwise, but you should always ask for more, regardless of the situation. Offered a position with a starting wage/salary? They’re fucking bluffing. Ask for more. Eying the mashed potato pile at family dinner? Dig the fuck in.

This crude reality was hammered home to me when I was in the hospital dealing with a patella that had split in two. (The patella is also known as the kneecap.) I was prescribed the standard batch of T3s and sent on my way. Ever the rube, I figured they would deal me out at least a week’s worth of percs following my surgery a few days later. Think again, asshole! Not only did the T3s do next to nothing, but they ran out after a week. I had to hit up the old underground to replenish my stock.

Bottom line? Always ask for more, especially when drugs or money are concerned.

#4 - Avoid hose whisky like the plague.

Hey, I know life is tough and sometimes you gotta take what you can get. But scraping the bottom of any barrel is just the worst, and unlikely to lead to Good Things. Whether it’s taking that shitty job you know you’ll hate in order to pay the rent “until I get my big break” or settling for some half-human troll as a pisser-smashing partner, settling for low quality garbage, even as a stop-gap measure, is unlikely to lead to happiness.

While boozing hard in Saskatoon for a weekend in April, my fellow traveller Johnsy and I were faced square on with the Hose Whisky Dilemma when trying to score a last call round at Amigos en route to a wild party down the street. Like fools, we accepted the shots of pure, stinking hose whisky and slammed them home. I immediately had to slam the bulk of my beer back to avoid barfing on the spot, and spent most of my walk to the party spitting poison into the street.

# 3 - Lightning don’t strike twice in the same place.

Well, I guess sometimes it does, but for the most part you should follow these words of wisdom as gospel, delivered from On High. If you missed it the first time, it’s better to cut your losses and try to catch up with it somewhere down the line rather than sit around like a bunch of sucked-off dicks waiting on something that ain’t gonna happen. Missed business opportunity, sure fire bet, whatever. Just fucking move on.

This summer, while exploring the wonders of the Winnipeg Folk Fest campground, my buddy Squirrelman and I went exploring. With heads full of strange chemicals and livers soaked with booze, we managed to attain the summit of a rickety structure built out of two-by-fours, ladders, and cleverly painted tarps. This “castle” was the centre-piece of nightly entertainment in the theme of Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom. How in sweet fuck we made it atop this thing and, more importantly, how we didn’t fall off or bring the whole thing crashing down, is lost forever to history.

Not content with my small victory, I tried for the rest of the weekend, in various states of intoxication, to gain the summit again. The closest I ever got was a foot through the door before being shut-down by a sober safety supervisor.

“You could get yourself killed,” hissed one such beast at me while I was locked deep into a very nice acid trip. “Or worse, paralyze your sorry ass.”

# 2 - Don’t do anything serious while messed up on mood enhancers and horse tranquilizers.

Ketamine is a hell of a drug, but it’s not one to be trifled with. Sure, that’s a given for anyone who has ingested the pure white powder. Little else can send you into your own world so fast as a fat line of Special K, or have you falling over yourself while trying to walk from one room to the next. And sure, blasting powered MDMA into your face can be like heaven on earth, provided you don’t puke from the rapid change in altitude in your brain.

Mixing the two might sound like a good idea on paper; they’re both really out there, both off-white in colour, as all good chemical drugs are, both burn your nasal passage like you somehow got the clap in your face. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll pan out. Be advised: in my experience, it doesn’t. You will alienate friends and piss off loved ones. This includes proposing marriage, attempting to perform on stage, and operating heavy machinery. Speaking of which…

# 1 - Don’t let your pals cruise around in death machines while you’re all black-out wasted.

Clearly, we are dealing with an educated bunch here. You would, of course, never yourself operate a motor vehicle while black-out wasted. Heavens, no! I myself swore this pastime off years ago, with only a few minor relapses. But it’s easy to jump shotgun on these adventures. Nothing better than safely navigating back-roads from Party Point A to Party Point B. But it’s probably a very, very, very bad idea, and on many levels. So, try not to encourage it. Let’s just leave it at that.

Happy New Year’s, friends! Keep Fit, Have Fun, and Party On!