One of the great joys of summer is barbecue. Meat or vegetable, surely we can all agree that grilled food is good food. Arguing with your father when he burns the steaks and says “the black stuff gives it flavour!” only to turn around and claim char gives you cancer when you leave the veggie kebabs too long — by a second! — is not to be toyed with.
The things that make summer fun are precious. This is especially true in the dreary northern expanse that is this great nation, where summer is a commodity more valuable than any natural resource. And when someone messes with your summer equilibrium? With your carefully planned and timed two months of recreation, family bonding and relaxation, goddammit? Well, there’s no telling what might happen then.
If you follow the example of one person from Saint John, N.B., if someone fucks with the tiny oasis of joy that is a Canadian summer, you don’t get mad. You also don’t get even. You turn to your friendly eBay-provided listings to vent your frustrations and amuse readers.
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a beautiful silver BBQ. Sorry I missed you. I was the one hoping to BBQ meals for my family this summer and even a day like yesterday. You, were the one who obviously worked as a team to steal said BBQ off of my deck. It seems like I missed you. Why you would steal someone’s BBQ (which is not an easy task my friend) is beyond anything I could possible imagine. Perhaps, you like to lift heavy things and thought this would help you get fit for the summer, maybe you enjoy making small children cry as a hobby. I appreciate the fact that you felt so close to me that you felt comfortable enough to walk through my fenced in yard, onto my deck and remove my BBQ. Sorry we missed each other. Enjoy the BBQ because obviously I won’t be able to. Eat a hamburger or hot dog for me and try not to choke.
If the thieves of this person’s barbecue, symbol of all that is good in the world (summer), see this ad and have any heart at all, they will return their stolen ware as stealthily as they took it.
[h/t Josh O’Kane]