The federal government is preparing to get even tougher on shiftless losers between jobs. In fact, Human Resources Minister Diane Finley is getting tough as shit on their lazy asses.
Finley spelled out details on EI reform to reporters yesterday afternoon, including plans to put another 1,000 part-time bureaucrats out of work. According to Finley, the current Employment Insurance Board of Referees, which employs 1,000 referees and 32 “umpires” will be eliminated and replaced by a 74-member Social Security Tribunal.
The new tribunal, which already sounds more menacing than a wimpy bunch of “referees,” will not only hear appeals for EI, but also Canada Pension Plan and Old Age Security claimants. Where currently those who wish to appeal the terms of EI, CPP or OAS benefits can do so before a panel of three referees, as of May 2013, those appeals will be brought before The Tribunal™ and provide more detailed appeals. While it is unclear at this point, appellants may also require legal counsel to appear before the Tribunal.
Just how the 74-member Tribunal (only half of whom will be tackling EI claims) are expected to process the 26,000+ appeals filed with EI annually is a mystery to this writer. Unless, of course, the government is going to be supplying a large rubber DENIED stamp and an unlimited supply of India ink.
In that case, they could probably do away with the Tribunal entirely, and just direct these freeloaders to a website that will immediately deny their appeal and order them to find work by week’s end. OR ELSE.
We all know these suckers are just waiting for a goddamn hand-out anyhow.
So fuck ‘em, Diane. Fuck ‘em hard.
But wait, I’ve got a better idea yet.
Keep the Tribunals. They sound tough as shit. Real S&M tough. Chains & whips tough. Hell, keep ‘em staffed at 74 members, too. But staff it entirely with old age pensioners. Pay them the sum of one bureaucrat’s annual salary split evenly 74 ways. Hell, you could even bump the Tribunal back up to 1,000 members for all they would know or care. Tell them they are playing bingo. Old people fucking love bingo. They can’t get enough. Pipe a steady stream of random numbers and bingo call letters at them for 10 hours a day.
Now, I know that the new Tribunal members may well be spending their hours enjoying the captivating game of bingo, Diane, much like many currently enjoying the robust benefits of our “Employment Insurance” system. And I know you frown on that sort of thing. But they will also be contributing to the economic wellbeing and development of Canada. And you’ll be paying them less than temporary foreign workers. The elderly of this country will finally be making a difference. They will keep shifty loafers from suckling the government teat dry. And you, Diane, will reap the savings.
Drop me a line soon, Diane. I’ve got a lot of big ideas. I think we could make some real magic together.
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